What you do to me
by freakingenius
Summary: oneshot. Lily delivers a devastating blow to James. How does he deal with the pain that it brings across. Chapter 2 is an alternate ending. Rated M for language and dark themes. warning: themes of suicide and self harm. Don't like, don't read.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: not mine…

Author's note: I was feeling kind of sad and decided to write… not sure how it is. WARNING self harm and suicidal themes

Set during their 7th year

"No, Potter, for the last time I will not go out with you! Just because you're head boy now, newsflash, you're still an arrogant, cocky little asshole who can't change. I fucking hate you and you're nothing but a useless piece of shit who doesn't know when to fucking give up so do me a fucking favour and go die in a hole!"

And she left, leaving me in the astronomy tower near the end of our patrols. I think that was an hour ago, although I'm not sure. I haven't moved since I sunk down to this spot on the ground. The words have been repeating themselves over and over in my head. The tears wouldn't come anymore, and the tear stains down my face have been there for so long I can't discern them from my skin. The pain in my heart is getting unbearable. The feeling in my stomach – somewhat like love, somewhat like depression, is actually painful. I grab my wand, and conjure a knife out of mid air. I need release from this pain. I need something to distract from this fire that burns inside of me. So I cut. My left wrist slashes open with red. It hurts, yet doesn't hurt at the same time. It's like the pain of the cruciatus curse the death eater put on me a couple months ago, contained to my wrist, and only a fraction of the pain, combined with a cooling charm, temporarily covering the fire that burns in the pit of my stomach and in my chest. Then it subsides, and the fire is back. So I cut again. My forearm gashes open, and my hands are now stained red like the Gryffindor hourglass in the entrance hall. But the relief comes again, but the pain somehow multiplies tenfold and I have to grit my teeth to not let out a sound. Tears spring to my eyes again at the pure physical pain, but I don't mind. It's better than the fire. I cut again, and again, and again. The pain is too much, and my whole left arm looks like it was dipped in red paint. I release a small yell, then a low groan. My arm is sticky, but I grip the knife with my left hand anyway. As the relief that resembles a cooling charm starts to subside and the fire within starts again, I cut right. And the relief is back. But I can't help but yell out.

"Prongs?"

Damn Sirius and the map. I don't want him to see me like this so I stay silent, and he doesn't come over. But the fire starts up again and I feel the pain in my chest and stomach. It's so bad that I can barely take it so I cut right again. I can't stop the shout that escapes my throat, and then I hear a flurry of movement and the sound of footsteps. God he must've brought Remus with him. However, I am surprised when he sprints up the last stairs, panting heavily, and a much shorter figure follows him up. A figure with a far more feminine body and longer, darker hair. Marlene. Oh god, it had to be my cousin.

"Holy shit, Prongs. What the hell?!"

I choose to ignore his question. "You're out after curfew Pads."

"Fuck curfew. What the fuck happened to your arm?"

"James is that a knife?"

"You're a genius Marls. A fucking genius."

"What the fuck happened?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing my ass. Sirius may be your best friend, but I've known you since you were diapers, dear cousin, and I know you, so tell me what the fuck is going on so I can go hex someone for doing this to you."

"Somehow I doubt that you'll hex them."

"Yeah? Fucking try me. I don't give a shit if this was Dumbledore himself. They're fucking dead. Who was it James?"

I looked her in the eye, as the pain within my reached a crescendo.

"Your fucking best friend. Now are you two going to fuck off and leave me in peace?"

That shut her up.

"Lily?" her voice is surprisingly quiet.

"Fuck." Sirius turns and punches the wall. And again. Then Marlene grabs him by the arm and shakes her head. He relaxes. I guess that's what happens when you've been dating for half a year, you get to know each other so well you barely need words. And the pain and fire hits me again, as I wish that Lily and I knew each other that well, that we were in a similar position that we didn't even need words to communicate. And I slash at my right arm again. This brings a cry of alarm from them, but the relief doesn't come. So I slash again. Then the knife is wrestled from my grasp and my wand taken from the ground beside me.

"Fuck off. Go back to your dorms."

"Only if you come with."

"Go fuck yourself Pads. You don't fucking know how it feels."

Then Marlene hands Sirius my wand, and tells him that she's going to find Lily and get her to explain what happened. The fire rages at the mere mention of her name, and I feel like I'm being consumed.

Sirius vanishes the knife and the blood, but it keeps coming out of the wounds. He gives up, sits down beside me, and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He offers me one. I take it. He lights it with his wand, then goes down the stairs, telling me to stay put. He comes back just a minute later, with a bottle of firewhiskey in hand, explaining that he and Marlene were going to drink from it when they heard me.

"Look at what she does to you, man. I just want you to be okay. Find someone like I found Marls."

I just nod, and take a deep gulp of the firewhiskey. I don't say anything about the fire that ignited in my chest from his simple sentence. Then i hear Marlene's furious voice at the bottom of the stairs.

"Lily Anne Evans. I am not asking you to do this, I'm telling you. I know you're not a bitch but right now you're fucking acting like one. Do you even know what you do to him? The effect you have on him? The poor boy loves you and all you can do is tell him to die? What if he really did?"

Sirius scowls and goes down the stairs, and joins them.

"When are you going to be satisfied? When? You spend the last year being his friend, and he may act like it's not a big deal but to him, it was the biggest thing in his life. You toy with his heart for a year, then rip it out, tear it to shreds, set it on fire, and now you dance on the ashes. When will you be satisfied?"

I hear her respond with something, but I don't know what. Dumbly, I stand up, and make my way over to the ledge that looks out over the grounds. No wand. No magic. Just me, standing on top of a tower. I contemplate my life, as I hear Marlene's voice again.

"You are going up there alone. We are not helping you. You need to realise what you do to him."

I hear her respond again, but again, it's tuned out. I tense my legs. And I speak for the first time in a while, softly, to myself, as if curious to hear what it sounds like.

"I love you, Lily."

"I love you too."

I whirl around, nearly losing my balance, and see her, standing there, tears filling her eyes.

"No you don't. You... You..."

The fire is becoming too much. I need the knife. I need some release. I take a step back to get away from the source of the pain.

But I was standing on the edge.

And now I stand on nothing.

I fall.

I make my peace. I don't scream. I found the relief from the pain.

This is what you do to me.

Author's Note: I don't know. I toyed with a similar situation for my multi-chaptered story "It's not you, it's me", with a similar ending to chapter 2 which is an alternate ending, but it sort of turned out a different way which i was happy with. I was just feeling stuff and thinking so i just decided to write this. rate and review please.


	2. Alternate Ending

Author's Note: this is an alternate ending. It picks up from the second last sentence of the original.

"Accio James!"

I'm only halfway down the tower when she yells it out, and instantly, I change directions. I feel nauseous, and zoom back up the tower, into her arms, knocking her to the ground.

I lie on top of her, the blood from my arms still free flowing, sinking into her clothes.

"You don't love me."

My voice is deathly quiet, barely a whisper.

"You hate me. You want me dead."

"Nononono. I love you James. I love you so much it hurts. I love you so much I can't stand to be near you, or away from you. I love you so much that I just want to shove you against the wall and snog you. I love you so much, that I'm afraid. I'm afraid that you don't love me. That I'm just another notch on your bedpost. Not being with you is such an excruciating pain. That's what you do to me. I love you."

I close my eyes. She loves me.


End file.
